Seven Out of My Top Ten

I’ve had a while to be thinking about this. First, I want to go back about forty-two years ago to something I heard at a talk on relationships when I was in college. The speaker said that if you feel like you cannot live without someone, then that is not a healthy relationship. Did you get that? If you feel like you cannot live without someone, then that is not a healthy relationship

And now you say, “whoa! Hey Mochel, aren’t we supposed to be all focused on romantic love here today?” Well, yes and no. What I want to focus on here today is how we live together in relationships where we each can grow into the best of who we are, celebrating each other.

So, number one: take a good look at the one you love, straight in the eyes, filled with love for them, and know this truth: you could live without them. I am not saying that you would want to, but that you could. Take it from me, I know. As much of a contrarian as Jeff could be, I still miss him every day, but I am not less of me without him. God made you to be a whole person, fully gifted, fully loved. Please do not dishonor that precious gift.

From my wedding homily for Ben & Audrey:

Number two: I know you have heard what Paul wrote to the Christians in Ephesus, even if you didn’t know it was Paul who said it: “do not let the sun go down on your anger.” That is important. I haven’t always succeeded at this, but I have tried.

Number three is related: Own your own feelings. Manage your own anxiety. Do not try to make your spouse manage it for you. I wish I had learned this so much earlier.

Number four: Use “I” statements. Forget the finger pointing. Forget the accusations. If you cannot figure out how to say something from the first person singular, then maybe you really aren’t ready to say it. “When such-and-such happened, I was caught off guard. I felt dishonored, I felt angry.”

Number five: Take time outs. When the heat is up, take a deep breath, say “I need to go think, take a walk, defrost the fridge—whatever, but let’s meet back here in twenty minutes, half an hour, tomorrow, again however long.” But take a time out, and then come back. Take another time out if needed, however many, but come back. Do not just walk out. And walking out doesn’t have to look like leaving a room, a house. It can sound like silence.  Talk it out, using those “I” statements.

Number six: Do not isolate yourself, or yourselves. Even as introverts, make sure that you engage with each other, and with others.

Number seven: Choose to love. Love is not a feeling. Love is a decision, an action. I may not feel very “loving” in a particular moment, but I choose to love.

Ephesians 4.26:

Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.