“For Bowen[i],
the goal is not agreement.” This statement made me sit up and take notice.
While I believe this, and wrote my doctoral paper from the perspective that
unity does not mean unanimity, hearing it so simply stated felt like a blast of
cold water on a hot day. It got my attention.
Today on my walk up a fairly steep hill in Kerrville, TX, with
the humidity so high it felt like struggling through a hot cloud and I would
have welcome an actual blast of cold water, I refused to look at my Fitbit to
see how many steps I had traversed already. I thought back to an exchange with
my nephew Ben when I first got my tracking device. I made some comment about having
walked 10,000 steps and it was around 4 miles. He said for him to get in 10,000
steps meant going way more miles than that. I replied, of course, your legs are
about twice the length of mine! I imagined walking with Ben where I would have
to walk almost two steps for every one of his. It was a humorous picture in my
mind.
When Jeff and I used to stroll together, not a fitness walk,
but a companionable gait, we would try to get into a rhythm that worked with
each other especially if we were also holding hands. Otherwise, it felt
awkward. Sometimes it seemed in our lives we kept wanting to try to make
ourselves, or the other, fit into a pattern or rhythm that agreed with each
other. For us, agreement was not an easy state. We were both of such strong
wills that to create agreement often meant that one of us really had to remain
silent, or simply go along with the other.
While there are moments when this can be important, after
all only one person at a time can drive a car, I have often felt somewhat
guilty that I could not simply be quiet and go along. After all, isn’t that
what love means in our world? Well no, it does not mean that. Love means being
able to hear where the other is, and when there is not agreement, sitting with
the differences. It does not mean pretending to agree. It means allowing the other to think
differently while not looking down at them for it.
What would our world be like if we could truly disagree but
continue to live together in the unity of the Spirit with peace?
Ephesians 4:2-3
Conduct
yourselves with all humility, gentleness, and patience. Accept each other with
love, and make an effort to preserve
the unity of the Spirit with the peace that ties you together.
[i] The
Bowen referred to is Murray Bowen,
the psychiatrist who developed Family Systems Theory. I have been engaged in
studying and learning the concepts of this theory for nearly ten years now,
with Roberta Gilbert, Kathleen Cauley, and Kenton Derstine.
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