One Year

One year. It was one year ago that the Capital Caring Hospice Center called me to tell that Jeff had died. While I knew it was coming, the news came as a surprise. Just the evening before they believed it would be a couple of more days. While the very end was peaceful, the way there had been hard. No matter how much faith we have, the unknown is still difficult, even fearful at times.

Jeff was a lot like his mom. He used to say that it was vanity that had kept her going for so long while dealing with Type 1 diabetes for so many years. She never wanted anyone to see her at less than her best. Then he would say it was vanity that kept him working out so much. He too never wanted anyone to see him at less than his best. Controlling that image was so important to him. Even as he left the house to ride in the medical transport to the Hospice Center, he would not let them bring a stretcher to carry him out. He insisted on walking out to it and even tried to climb into it himself.

I know that desire to maintain control as well. I want to present a strong face to the world. I don’t want others seeing me when I am weak, but I have learned over this year that I need others, that my strength is made greater when I let others near.

The way forward is an uncharted path in many ways. When I try to project too far down the path, I can feel the anxiety rise within me. I need to take it step by step, day by day, and keep in contact with those who lend me their strength.

Matthew 11:28-30

“Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Memories Pressed Between the Pages of my Mind

Our VA Annual Conference begins tomorrow. We drove down to Roanoke today so we don't have to leave before the crack of dawn tomorrow.

For over twenty years, Jeff and I went to Annual Conference together. I loved gathering with friends and colleagues. He did to some degree though he wanted much more time alone. Ever since he "retired" eleven years ago, I had come alone. That was hard enough. Last year was the first year I have ever missed attending. Jeff was in the final stages of his bout with cancer.

For those nine years I would call to let him know that I got to Conference safely. Tonight, I was especially mindful that there was no one at home to call. I talked to my brother instead.

Max is here with me. He wanted to come. He has his own room. As I was going to his room for our prayers, I saw a friend--the spouse of a clergywomen. I told Max I would be back soon, and went to talk with Tammy and David.

Tomorrow night, we will have the Memorial Service when we will remember all the clergy and their spouses who have died since the last Annual Conference. Jeff's name will be read. Max will be sitting with me.

When I got back to my room after our prayer time, that old song came back to me: "memories pressed between the pages of my mind." Feeling tender here tonight.

Appreciation for my Mamma

When my father died twenty years ago this August, there were things my mother did that I didn’t really understand or appreciate at the time. He died Tuesday evening when I was returning to our home after being with him. I arrived home to hear the news. We packed and returned to Richmond that night. On Wednesday, Mamma directed Jeff and some others to take up all the plywood that had been laid on the floor to make Daddy’s wheelchair move around more easily. The hospital bed was removed immediately and their twin beds put back up. She said that it was because people would be coming over. It felt to me as though she were cleaning out reminders of my father’s illness and his last days. She also stopped wearing her wedding ring.

Over this past year, I have come to understand this some and appreciate my mother more. I too began moving furniture around and making changes in the house. I also stopped wearing my wedding ring. Only one person has ever asked me about it. My reply was that I had kept my wedding vows until we were parted by death. It wasn’t until quite some time had passed that I realized I had done similar things as my mother.

We all grieve in our own ways. Some people keep everything the same, and others do as my mother and I did. The legend of the phoenix is that the baby bird rises from the ashes of the old bird. Over this year, and I’m sure for a while yet to come, I have needed to stir the ashes of our life together in order to get a sense of the new life that will arise. I have glimpses of that new life. What it will be I do not yet know in full but I have hope as I wait for it.

Revelation 21:3-5a

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “See, the home of God is among mortals. He will dwell with them as their God; they will be his peoples, and God himself will be with them; ⁴he will wipe every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; mourning and crying and pain will be no more, for the first things have passed away.” ⁵And the one who was seated on the throne said, “See, I am making all things new.”

This Month

I am not sure quite how I feel about this month. It is a busy time with the end of school this week, and then Annual Conference next week, and Jazz camp coming up after that. At work, we are all trying to figure out how we are going to manage the transition from Mirta to an as yet unknown person, as we also try to plan for the upheaval that everyone’s vacation plans throw into the mix. In some ways, all the focus and busy-ness is good because it doesn’t give me a lot of time for anything else.

Then at the end of the day, or at unexpected moments, I am intensely aware of our loss. A song evokes tears. Ads for Fathers’ Day gifts keep poking into my awareness, prodding tender spots.

I know that staying intensely busy can be a way of avoiding the abyss of grief. I have tried this year to find some balance in the midst of it all, sometimes coming to the edge of it but not falling in. I may look back years from now and see how I could have done it better but walking through the midst of this journey has had to be one step at a time, for better or worse.

Knowing that I don’t really walk this path alone sustains me. In words, gestures, looks, and actions, I (we) have been upheld by loving community. And for that I give thanks.

Matthew 11:28-30

“Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Happiness

Today I read an article a mother wrote about ten things she wants her daughter to know before she turns ten. Actually, it was good for anyone of any age to know.  A link to that article is at the bottom of this note. The first thing was that “it is not your job to keep the people you love happy.” That is so true.

It’s not my job to make others happy. When I work to make or keep others happy, I most often am trying to second guess what their desires might be, and meet those desires even before they are expressed. I don’t allow for a genuine exchange of ideas or expression of their own hopes and dreams.

It’s not even my job to make myself happy. I find when I do things out of an attempt to be happy, I end up concentrating on the wrong things. I am further away from a true centered life. It’s kind of like when Paul says, “I don’t know what I’m doing, because I don’t do what I want to do. Instead, I do the thing that I hate.” [Rom 7:15] What a wretched way to live.

And it certainly is not God’s job to make me happy. There’s an awful lot of schlocky quasi-theological thoughts out there indicating that God’s blessings are in the form of giving me things or experiences that enhance my life, give me what I want, and make me happy. More often I find that God’s blessings call me out of myself, even make me at least a bit uncomfortable. It’s when I wrestle with these blessings that I am so centered in God’s presence that it doesn’t matter to me whether I am happy or not.

The best and most honest thing I can do towards happiness, mine and others, is to pray for God’s mercy, and let God work out how that mercy will flow.

Matthew 5:8-9

"You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

"You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.” [The Message]

Article on Ten Things.

Too Many Tools

This past week has been an incredible time of getting things in order. Jeff’s brother Denny and his wife Jill spent the week with us, using their wonderful gifts of organizing, repairing and installing. They were able to make sense and order of a chaos that overwhelmed, and depressed, me. As Denny sorted all the tools, he commented on how many there are. He’s right. We had tools that were original to us, tools that were given to Jeff by the widow of a man Jeff visited and buried as a pastor, tools that had come from my parents, and tools that had come from Jeff’s dad. Can you say, “too many tools”? There are so many that I had no way of knowing what was in the inventory. Now, thanks to Denny and Jill, they are organized and stored in such a way that I can see them and decide which ones I need to keep and which ones can be given away.

Jeff used to say I was “paper challenged.” I become overwhelmed when there are too many things to sort. Details are not my strongest point, and yet managing a house, a family, a church all require paying attention to details. I am becoming more and more aware that I long for simplicity, and fewer things to manage. It is so hard to face all of it, and know what is really important.

I know that I wouldn’t really be comfortable living a monastic life style, but there are moments I long for the simplicity and order. I long for more “Mary” moments in my “Martha” life.

Luke 10:41-42

But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her.”

Holy Spirit Gifts

With the celebration of Pentecost upon us, I have been thinking of the power of the Holy Spirit to renew and transform our lives. Whether we believe it or not, we have been and are gifted by the Holy Spirit. It is often hard to believe that we have been gifted. We tend to think that we just do what we do rather than seeing that as gift, as something that builds up the Body of Christ.

I give thanks for so many who use the gifts they have been given by God:

• ·      For those who organize activities for the youth
• ·      For those who make music for the glory of God
• ·      For those who invite and welcome others into the life of the church
• ·      For those who give so faithfully to make ministry and mission happen
• ·      For those who help order the administrative life of the church so that ministry and mission can happen
• ·      For those who see a nearly unused plot of ground and make it a garden that will feed others
• ·      For those who give of their time to empty rain drums in the elevator machine room
• ·      For those who create beauty to give glory to God
• ·      For those who teach so that our children will know of God’s grace and mercy
• ·      For those who pray so faithfully for those who need healing and for the church
• ·      And this week I am especially thankful for family who comes miles out of their way to make life a bit more manageable

All of these and so many more are how we see the visible work of the gifts of the Holy Spirit which are poured out on us.

Blow, Spirit, blow your holy wind upon us. Gift us anew, and help us see and use our gifts for your work of transforming the world.

Classic Plot Line

This week I am in Atlanta attending the Festival of Homiletics. What are homiletics, you ask? Preaching. For four-and-a-half days, I am immersed in sermons, lectures about sermons and worship. It has been a rich experience thus far, and promises even more.

Craig Barnes, one of those who preached and then gave a lecture, spoke about the classic plot line from ancient times until today. Orientation. Disorientation. Re-orientation. Life is going along. Whether smoothly or not, it is a pattern to which we have become accustomed. Then some crisis occurs—health, death, war, crime, whatever—and the pattern of life becomes disoriented and we are impelled into an epic journey. At some point, there comes a resolution, a re-orientation where we at least have gained some insight, and maybe even a sense of peace.

On this plotline, the primary interest is in the second stage because that’s where the drama is, that’s where we will make decisions about our life. Will we simply grieve over what we have lost or will we turn towards the new future? Do we simply settle into a new pattern whatever it is or do we reach for hope?

A lot of what I have been dealing with over the past year has been in that second stage of the plotline—disorientation. The patterns of my life changed drastically with Jeff’s illness and death. I don’t know how long this second stage will last. What will the shape of my life look like? I don’t know. I do know that while I grieve our loss, I am also looking forward. This time in the middle is just going to have to be somewhat uncomfortable while I travel the road of disorientation.

I also know, as Barnes reminded us, that Jesus stood outside the tomb and called Lazarus forth into life. It was Lazarus’ choice to move towards life and hope.

John 11:43-44

When he had said this, he cried with a loud voice, ‘Lazarus, come out!’ The dead man came out, his hands and feet bound with strips of cloth, and his face wrapped in a cloth. Jesus said to them, ‘Unbind him, and let him go.’

All the Plans

On Monday afternoon, I went to the National Cathedral for our intern Dave’s graduation. Walking from the parking garage to the front of the Cathedral, I encountered a small wrought iron fence enclosing three pieces of stonework. These were chipped portions of the spires that were damaged in the earthquake last August. I remembered how that very area in front of the Cathedral used to be covered with all the stones that would eventually be used to build those towers. I so enjoyed watching the progress over the years as the collection of stones in the yard grow smaller while the towers of Sts. Peter and Paul soared higher. And now some of those very stones are back on the ground damaged.

Then sitting in the Cathedral, I looked up at the beautiful south-facing rose window and noticed that it looked shadowed. Shading my eyes from the glare of the spotlights, I saw that a great black metal mesh has been put in place over the entire interior of the nave and chancel areas. It’s far enough above heads as not to be too intrusive, and yet it’s a reminder of the fragility of even something as substantial as the Cathedral.

It took 83 years to complete this building, which weighs 150,000 tons. The central tower soars 30 stories high. It is a masterpiece of art and craft, bringing glory to the eye and mind of even the most cynical observer. And yet, one earthquake causes enough damage to close it for months, and it will take years to repair.

As I think about this, I am reminded of how all my plans to cover all contingencies that could possibly occur can so easily be brought to naught. I am reminded again of how small I am in the scheme of things. I am reminded that my only security is trusting in God, and that does not mean that I will not fail, or suffer, or die. It simply means that in God who is the Creator and Redeemer of all is the only place I can rest secure at any time and for all time. Not that I shouldn’t make plans and preparations, but I need to keep it all in perspective and not feel so crushed when my plans don’t work out. And this helps me to put even the General Conference of the UMC in perspective. 

Psalm 8:3-4, 9

When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars that you have established;

what are human beings that you are mindful of them, mortals that you care for them?

O Lord, our Sovereign, how majestic is your name in all the earth!

Let Nothing Upset You

When I was much younger, as a child and youth, I was easily susceptible to tickling. I could quickly end up in a heap on the floor. This made me very uncomfortable. I resolved to change that. Over time, I controlled my reactions so tightly that not much would tickle me.

When I was in college and even in seminary, I remember some times when I wept deeply, almost uncontrollably. Over time, though without quite the same intentional effort I had made about tickling, I became less prone to weeping. I can still choke up with an emotional story, or watching a movie (my boys have always teased me about that), but I find that in close personal situations my tears last only a few seconds.

It could be a way of shutting my emotions down, I realize, but I also realize that becoming victim to my emotions will not help me deal with the realities of life. I recently came across this poem by Teresa of Avila, the 16^th century mystic. I find it to be centering and healing in the midst of turmoil.

Let nothing upset you,


Let nothing startle you.


All things pass;


God does not change.


Patience wins all it seeks.


Whoever has God lacks nothing:


God alone is enough.

Teresa of Avila

Romans 8:31

What then are we to say about these things? If God is for us, who is against us?

A Wedding, The Table, and Wounds

I love the United Methodist wedding service. Probably my favorite part is the Dismissal with Blessing, where I say: “Bear witness to the love of God in this world, so that those to whom love is a stranger will find in you generous friends.” It takes a marriage beyond a twosome to include the world. Another part I like is the Blessing of the Marriage. It encompasses all of their lives. Two portions of it are: “Bless them in their work and in their companionship; in their sleeping and in their waking; in their joys and in their sorrows; in their lives and in their deaths. Finally, by your grace, bring them and all of us to that table where your saints feast for ever in your heavenly home.”

This past Saturday I was the celebrant for a beautifully simple wedding ceremony for two non-members. For them, their primary goal in the wedding was the beginning of a marriage, a life-long partnership. I had enjoyed working with them in the process. When I came to the above portions of the Blessing, I suddenly had to work hard to keep my voice under control. This was the first wedding I have done since Jeff died.  In many ways, I have made peace with this fact, but to come face-to-face with awareness of it in new situations is still hard.

Actually the hardest part of those words for me this time was not the finality of death, but the image of the table. I know that table is for all those who come home to live with God, but in Jeff’s conversion he began to have a very different view. He worried that I would not be there because I would not convert with him. I pray for healing of the wounds this caused between us. And right now, I hold to the affirmation, “In life, in death, in life beyond death, God is with us. We are not alone.”

Revelation 21:3-4

I heard a loud voice from the throne say, “Look! God’s dwelling is here with humankind. He will dwell with them, and they will be his peoples. God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more. There will be no mourning, crying, or pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” [CEB]

The Shuttle

I missed it! Working at my computer in the office with my back to the window, I didn’t even think to look outside to see the shuttle on its last flight. Suddenly FaceBook was alive with photos taken by friends. I enjoyed seeing it from their perspectives—flying past the dome of the U.S. Capital, flying past the home of a friend in Fredericksburg, from the Iwo Jima Memorial, from Centreville UMC, and so many more.

I remember the first landing of the shuttle. It was on April 14, 1981. I was at a Winchester District clergy meeting. The TV was turned on so that we could watch this historic event. I was just as thrilled as I was in 1962 watching the first orbit of the earth by John Glenn. I mourned with the rest of our nation in 1986 when Challenger exploded on takeoff, and then again in 2003 as Columbia disintegrated over Texas.

Even though I missed seeing the shuttle’s last flight, my imagination is still captured. It’s a reminder to me that the universe is much larger than just the little piece of it I see each day. The views of the earth from space show the beauty of this part of God’s creation. The images from the Hubble telescope expand my horizons. The view of time seen in a composite view from the WMAP leaves me in awe at the wonder of all that God has set in motion, and all I can do is offer my praise.

Psalm 8:3-4

When I look up at your skies,

at what your fingers made—

the moon and the stars

that you set firmly in place—

what are human beings

that you think about them;

what are human beings

that you pay attention to them? [CEB]

When Joy Feels Far Away

There are times in life when joy feels good and bouncy, when all seems right with the world, and everything just purrs along. Then there are times when things don’t just purr along, and things seem off at least a notch or two. When the time is purring, praise songs come so naturally. It’s easy to given thanks. It’s not so easy at other times.

We’ve just celebrated the Resurrection in a really glorious way together. And deep in my spirit the joy resounds, but at times it’s hard to know it nearer the surface. Today, I was suddenly caught by memory and felt very raw. At moments like that, I don’t feel joyful. What I can give thanks for in moments like this is that the joy of Resurrection is real and doesn’t depend on how I feel at any particular moment.

In the midst of it all, I heard from two friends connecting out of the blue from other times and places in my life. It’s important to remember that I am not alone in this journey. Friends and companions along the way help remind me of that. In some way, they are the voice of Jesus calling my name.

John 20:16, 18

Jesus said to her, “Mary!” She turned and said to him in Hebrew, “Rabbouni!”… Mary Magdalene went and announced to the disciples, “I have seen the Lord.”

Endings and beginnings

Endings and beginnings, all in there together. “In our end is our beginning, in our time, infinity,…in our death, a resurrection,…unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.”^*

That Thursday, the disciples sat with Jesus around the table, having their feet washed, hearing his strange words with the bread and the cup, but still not realizing that an ending was very near. When it came, most of them weren’t there because in fear they had run away. Afterwards, they sat in the room together in sorrow and fear, not realizing that a beginning was taking place.

Fear is what often keeps us from fully experiencing the holiness of our endings and our beginnings. My brother-in-law Alan, in facing his time with open eyes and heart, is a witness to trusting in the One who is our home now and beyond now.

During these three holiest of days, our endings and our beginnings are so close together. Somehow, may we go beyond the fear of the ending and step forward in trust that the beginning is with the One who loves us beyond all measure.

^*Hymn of Promise, by Natalie Sleeth, 1986.

Emptied

“Emptied.” That’s the word and image that stayed with me while listening to the Christ Hymn from Philippians 2. Though he was in the form of God, Jesus did not grasp at or exploit his divinity, but emptied himself and became one of us. The word is echoing in my soul.

Paul tells us to have the same mind in us as was in Jesus who emptied himself to become one of us. There are many ways that we can empty ourselves. This week I am thinking particularly of some folks who have emptied themselves, or are being emptied, of illusions. It’s an illusion when we think we are in control. It’s an illusion when we think we, or someone we love, will live forever. Whatever the illusions are in our lives, they can keep us from seeing the truth. It often hurts to let go of the illusion but it is the only way to become free.

In the midst of the pain, I pray that I may not grasp at or hold on to that which does not truly give life, but that I may be emptied to step into new life. And that is my prayer for those who relationships are changing; who are watching loved ones die; who are seeing their lives become different than they imagined. As we head into Holy Week and walk the way of sorrows with Jesus, I pray that we may come to an Easter morning of resurrection so bright that everything is new.

Philippians 2:5-7

Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God as something to be exploited, but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, being born in human likeness.

Jesus' Touch

This week, Max kept emphasizing that we need at least ten hugs a day, as he would come up to give me a hug. One of his friends at school has been going around giving hugs, saying “10 hugs a day.”

Last Saturday, I went to a cancer survivors retreat hosted by the Oncology Nurse Society. One chair at each table had a blank post-it note hidden on it. This note entitled the bearer to a 10-minute chair massage. I had the note from my table, and went for my turn during the afternoon break.

I’ve had massages before but never one in an official massage chair. The pads were soft on my knees and my head was cradled comfortably with my forearms resting on a pad in the front. As the masseur massaged my back and neck, I could feel my muscles relax a bit, Since my eyes were closed, I was caught off guard as he began to massage my hands, and memories flooded back in.

Touch has always been important to me. Jeff would sometimes hold hands as we walked but he never liked to do much cuddling. When we would travel by car the passenger had a couple of main jobs. The first was to read aloud to the driver. We read The Lord of the Rings triology, Madeleine L’Engle’s books, C.S. Lewis’ space trilogy and lots of others. The second task is that as the driver’s hands became tired with holding the wheel, the passenger would give a hand massage. It is one of the most wonderful gifts that someone can give—to have the tension and stress eased out through each finger until it all goes out through the tip of the pinkie.

Max’s hugs, hand massages—these are ways that God uses the hands and arms of others to offer healing. As we sing in one of my favorite hymns Now the Green Blade Riseth: “When our hearts are wintry, grieving, or in pain, Jesus’ touch can call us back to life again, fields of our hearts that dead and bare have been: Love is come again, like wheat that springeth green.”

Matthew 8:15

He touched her hand, and the fever left her, and she got up and began to serve him.

Anxious Moments

Often we hear that it is change that makes us anxious. Last Friday I was at a conference where one of the presenters conjectured that it’s not so much change that makes us anxious, but pain that brings us anxiety-- either experiencing it or fearing it.

Last year, during Jeff’s last several weeks, he kept asking for more and more pain medicine. His doctor and nurses didn’t deny his experience of pain, but they were baffled at the rapid increase. When his doctor finally prescribed an anti-anxiety medication without further increasing the pain meds, Jeff reported that his pain was better. His pain was real, but it was also being intensified by his anxiety at the fear of having pain or of not being able to control it.

I have never had to experience the level of physical pain he had, but I know that I find myself anxious when I face other kinds of pain. And so in my seeking to control my anxiety, I am most likely to either avoid –flee from the possible source—or comfort myself by feeding, consuming my way through it. I have been doing a lot of the latter in the last several months, eroding much of the good I had done for my body and health. As I realize this, I know that I am going to have move back out of a reactionary mode into a more thinking, reflective mode. This is going to be hard, and even the thought of that raises my anxiety. So what I need most is to be able to rest against God’s breast like a child that is already weaned.

Psalm 131:2

But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; my soul is like the weaned child that is with me.

Listening

Listening is a really important gift. That’s one of the things that a spiritual director does—listening to what is going on in a directee’s life and listening for where God is at work. A director doesn’t lay out a path for someone to follow; rather they ask questions that may elicit insights.

Listening is not only important; it is also neglected in our lives. We don’t listen to one another very well. We are often formulating what we will say next based on our own need. There are so many times that I begin to speak before I have really heard what Max is saying, and usually I get it wrong. Or even if I get it right, it cuts him off short.

I also have a hard time listening to what God might be saying in my life. Sunday night at our Lenten Disciplines group, I was asked some questions that were hard for me to consider. They are questions that make me look at what God purposes for me at this time. I can’t say clearly what that is but I do know that God will be with me in the purpose, in the discerning, and in the future.

Jeremiah 29:11

For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.

So Much Love

I am surrounded by so much love, and I am thankful even right now when I think about having to take my niece back to the airport in the morning. More than anything else I have learned during my treatment for breast cancer, and during Jeff’s illness and after his death, is that I am really not alone. No matter how much I may feel as though I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, all I have to do is turn my head slightly to the right or left and see who is helping me hold it up. Even when I can’t see them, they are there: friends who check in with me, who ask deeper questions about how I’m doing, who accept when I want to talk and when I don’t. In all this I am truly blessed.

So when I think of the all the days and tasks that lay ahead and find them somewhat overwhelming, I want to remember that when Jesus invites me to share his yoke to make my burden light, he has given me sisters and brothers to be his face and his shoulders. As the rabbi said, “It is enough.”

Romans 12:15

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

Day by Day for Lent

On Fat Tuesday, I received an email from a friend and former member--Linda. She wrote of several ways that she was looking at this impending Lenten journey--rebooting a computer, training for a marathon, learning a new habit, and an image from history, the Bonfire of the Vanities. I found them to be intriguing. She added some fuel to stoke the coals that have been smoldering. 

I will have to see what this Lent holds for me. Physically, it is the recovery period for the radiation treatments which ended on Fat Tuesday. Part of my Lenten discipline will be accepting that it takes the same amount of time to heal that it took to do the radiation: 6-1/2 weeks. By Easter, my stamina and skin should be somewhat resurrected. 

Then there is the matter of my spirit which has also taken a beating, but that has gone on for a good bit longer. In the matter of grief, I have heard that it takes about two years to work through the initial stages to come to a balance of some sort. It’s good to know that a new balance will come because just now I am caught between the reactions to anxiety--fighting, fleeing and care-taking, mostly the latter two, though I have been know to get feisty lately too.

What I think I need to learn from this physical recovery period during Lent is that the spiritual and emotional recovery period will be just as slow and deliberate. I can’t rush it no matter how much I want to. I want to jump to the new balance, but that’s just not how it works. Day by day, step by step, season by season, and all along the way learning to trust in God’s grace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.