A Guiding Principle

  I have tended for years to act almost as a human pretzel, bending myself constantly in order to accommodate others. Now in terms of hospitality, and making room for the stranger, flexibility is a good thing, but I have learned that in other situations, especially chronic ones, it leads to anger.

  While saying "no" when in all actuality a "yes" is not impossible may feel bad, a little too self-centered, I have been developing a guiding principle along the lines of this: “your lack of planning does not become "my" emergency.”

  For years, I have stepped in to prevent failure by my boys, and others. I have discovered that this is not helpful, and in fact over time is actually harmful--to them, and to me. So this morning when my younger son was working to finish up a project for class today, I helped by making his lunch (his job), but when he realized that some things were not going to be finished in time, he said, "unless you could take me to school." And I said, "no." This is not an unwieldy project that cannot be carried on the bus. This was not something that he did not know about until the last minute. He has known and he has been working on it, but not as diligently as needed. So we rolled up the poster board and secured it with rubber bands for the bus trip. My guess is that he has done enough work to turn it in, and maybe will have the opportunity to fine-tune it during the day even. I will gladly take him to school when a project is larger than can be carried on the bus, especially with prior planning. Could I have taken him? Yes, it was not impossible, but this way he is learning that he needs to get his own work done in the proper time and not rely on others to carry him through.

  Yesterday morning, I gave my older son a ride to the Metro to get to his job. As we pulled up, he said, "oh, there goes my train." Unsaid, but still conveyed was a question about me taking him all the way to work. My answer was, "oh, too bad." In reality another train comes in 10 minutes. Could I have taken him to work? Well, it wasn't impossible though it was highly inconvenient, but if I continue to step into the gap, he is not going to learn to be responsible and accountable for his own actions.

  Believe it or not, this has been difficult work for me. It's not about only doing things when they are convenient for me, or don't cause me stress. It's about helping my boys and myself take responsibility for our own actions.

  What guiding principles help you when faced with difficult situations?