Expectancy

“On the tiptoe of expectation.” I am doing an online Advent retreat that focuses on one word from the scriptures each week. This week’s word is expectancy. I signed up because I feel the need to go deeper this season, however this one word almost brought me to a standstill.

As a child, the expectancy before Christmas was wonderful. The preparations, the services—all led to an increasing sense of waiting with baited breath. I remember too the expectancy of waiting for Andrew to be born to another woman, yet placed in my arms. Waiting for the pager to go off to say she was in labor was almost agony. And then six years later, waiting for Maxwell’s borning cry was literally agony as the neonatologist worked to revive him right after birth.

There are so many different perspectives on expectancy, but what almost brought me to a standstill was the question How have you experienced expectancy in the past year? This year’s expectancy was difficult. Knowing that the death of one I loved was imminent drew me forward and pushed me back all at the same time. I was drawn forward to take the steps needed to help Jeff and all of us prepare; I was pushed back by my reluctance to say goodbye.

As I reflect on the experience of expectancy and waiting with baited breath, I become aware that I have not drawn a full, deeply satisfying breath for months. I am tensed. The tension could be from holding myself in so tightly that I cannot relax. Or sitting at the edge of expectation can be a sort of tension—the tension inherent in being poised for some action, or to spring into action. Maybe this time of grieving, and adjusting to a different life, is a season of being poised for something that is just ahead. What it is I cannot say, but I will wait for it—a new life, a new birth.  Was this how God felt waiting for Mary to come to full term? Is this how God feels waiting for us to come to full term in receiving grace?

Advent--Expectancy. Breathing. Waiting. Hoping. Abiding. Receiving.